Welp…it’s been awhile since I’ve written one of these, but boy do I have a lot to say! My mind is so school oriented that whenever I’ve sat down to try to write this, I find myself writing an essay…let’s see if I can actually do it right this time!
The past few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. God is constantly refining us but sometimes I feel like He knocks me upside the head more than others. This has been one of those times. When I feel like I’m being hit from all sides, my initial response and emotion is anger. As things started happening to me that I didn’t agree with or want, I started asking God why He would do something like this to me. (sinful, I know). One of my best friends had such a great analogy for me when I asked her if she’s ever been mad at or questioned God. She told me that a loving parent would never do anything to hurt their child. Despite what the child thinks or feels at the time, the parent always knows what is best for them in the long run. Likewise, God loves us so much more than an earthly parent ever could. How could I even question what He was allowing to happen in my life? He would never do something to hurt me. It might seem painful to me at the time, but so was not getting to go to the park as a child because my parents said no. I am so foolish when I let my emotions rule how I think. God’s plan is better than any plan I could ever come up with!
After taking a step back and letting my emotions fizzle, I began to wonder what exactly I was supposed to be learning from the situations I was dealing with. To be honest, I still don’t know what I’m supposed to have learned, but I’m okay with that. I know that time will shed light onto those situations. Either way, I am so thankful that God knows me better than I know myself.
I also began to think about my life and how I portray myself to others. I went to a women’s conference a couple weeks ago, and it really hit me hard. It was mostly geared towards relationships and giving them up to God, but that wasn’t the part that was the most convicting. I realized through this conference that I don’t feel like I am living my life solely for God. I started looking at the things I do on a daily basis and thought, “How is this glorifying God?” I thought this about school, the relationships I have with friends and family, etc. I have to admit that I was sorely disappointed in myself. I left this conference thinking, “I need to make a difference. I need to bring others to Christ. I need to live a life that is pleasing in God’s eyes and I’m just not doing that.”
So of course, my first thought was, “I want to move to Africa and tell them all about Jesus.” I know that sounds like an impulsive, emotional response to an amazing conference. It could very well be, but the next night I went to church where they showed us a video about “The Africa Experience,” and how there was going to be an exhibit in Fresno for it. I laughed, remembering the thoughts I had the day before. My friend and I went to the exhibit at the end of the week, and it was so touching. They gave you a headset and let you walk through the exhibit listening to the life of a child living in Africa—some affected with AIDS. It absolutely broke my heart…so naturally, I signed up to get more information for the next missions trip to Africa. Last night, I met with my friend Matt and his friend Dave. Dave is in the process of getting ready to move to Africa. I was able to hear the vision for the place and the people where he will be moving, and it was so encouraging. He felt God calling him to Africa, and he answered the call so willingly. He showed me videos from a trip to Africa. In one of the videos, there are missionaries just sitting on the ground holding kids. The kids seem so content just to lie in the arms of the missionaries. I think about my siblings and how I have to beg them to give me a hug. These kids in Africa just need love and are so content when they get it. It really made me realize how much I take for granted.
I have also heard about this program called Wycliffe from one of my good friends. I hadn’t really known anything about it, but she gave me the link to their website and I was instantly taken with it as well. I know that you can witness and tell people about God anywhere you are, but the fact that some people don’t even have a Bible in their language upsets me and makes me want to do something about it. I never really knew completely why I was getting a degree in English with my emphasis in Linguistics, but it seems fitting now with how passionate I’ve become towards these people. Now, I’m not going to go make any impulsive decisions and say “I’m moving to Africa today!” That would be foolish, but I am seriously praying for God’s Will to be done, whether that be to keep me here in sunny California, or to send me to the most remote part of the world. If it’s His plan, I will do it. I would do anything for the One who would do anything for me.
After taking a look at my life and how I was living, I began to look at others, and I was just as disgusted with them as I was with myself. I know that seems super judgmental, and it probably is, and it’s not even my place to care, but I do. I see people I know, and don’t know, following purely selfish desires, slapping the “I’m a Christian and I love Jesus” label on it, and calling it glorifying to God. It is ridiculous. I see how materialistic people are and it disgusts me. Who cares if you have a brand new car? Who cares if you make a lot of money? Who cares if you have the most expensive clothes? Who cares if you are famous? Can you take any of it with you when you leave this world? No. So why does it matter?! Before you get offended, I know that I can be lumped into this category also, which is probably why it angers me so much. Coincidentally after I started thinking all this about other people, my airbag light in my car came on, my cell phone broke, and my computer broke for a few days. God sure does have a sense of humor :) Back to the point… I just don’t see the body of Christ actively trying to reach to the lost souls. I just see selfish, sinful people living selfish, sinful lives, all the while calling themselves a Christian, and thinking that must mean what they are doing is God’s plan for them. I just think that the body of Christ needs to step it up and live for/with HIM. Like I said, I probably feel so strongly about this because these are the faults I have noticed in myself and desperately want to change.
I have so much more to say, but it will probably take me another month to get my thoughts out. I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my last paragraph. I just want people to take a look at their lives. Are you living for yourself, or for/with Christ? I know I want to live for and with Christ.
